If I Could Go Back

So I was sitting across the table from a good friend of mine at the local Bdub’s.  That’s Buffalo Wild Wings for those of you who aren’t down with the lingo.  It was probably a year or so after my wife Kara had confessed (read about that here) and already we were seeing God do some amazing things in our individual lives and marriage.

There were ways we understood and related to God we had no idea existed before the terrible mess we went through.  This prompted my friend to look at me and say, “Looking at all the good things God has done through the tragedy, aren’t you glad you went through it?”

I felt a strong urge to choke him or slap him in that moment.  I resisted though, don’t worry.  I also wanted to scream at him asking him if he was out of his mind.  I think I actually did say something to that affect. 

Now let me just say I can’t exactly fault my friend for his question.  If fact, his question probably comes from a place existing in many of us.  “The end justifies the means” is a well-known expression and one we sometimes believe in it without realizing it.

I think there are a couple of fundamental misunderstandings that help us to believe all the pain and suffering we go through is worth it.  I’ll share with you some of the reasons I think they are mistaken, some of the reasons why, if I could go back and do it again, I wouldn’t.

1.     I don’t enjoy pain.  Seriously, I don’t like it.  If I could go back and erase the terrible heartache I would in a second.  Now that doesn’t mean I’m not healed it just means if given the choice, I choose no pain.  I don’t think that’s hard to understand.

2.     I could have enjoyed the intimacy I enjoy with God and my wife today without the tragedy we went through.  I don’t know what brought many of us to the belief that good things only come through suffering.  We don’t need bad to experience good!  God’s intention is to bring us to an intimacy with Him and others without tragedy.  He doesn’t need evil to accomplish this, He just needs us to choose Him!  I remember praying that those living a life of sin would hit rock bottom or experience a tragedy that would turn them to God.  That’s so ugly and God deeply convicted me of it one night.  Think of your greatest tragedy.  Now imagine others were praying that you would experience it so that you could get closer to God.  With friends like those right?  I now pray that those living a life apart from God would have a dramatic encounter with His goodness, His love.  I find that much more inline with His heart.

3.     I don’t believe God condones sin…ever.  To say the end justifies the means is to say God is okay with our sin.  It would be to say that God is fine with adultery, murder, molestation etc. as long as the victim is closer to Him after.  No, I can’t get behind that belief system.

4.     I don’t need a reason for tragedy.  So many of us absolutely need a specific reason why what happened, happened.  It provides a level of comfort to know why.  It was all worth it if we can ascribe some sort of reason that benefits us and the world maybe.  I remember talking to a friend of mine who told me, “I’m going through this so that I have an opportunity to focus 100% on God and become the man He want’s me to be.”  I looked at him and said tactfully and lovingly, “You’re going through this because of the poor choices you made.  You’re experiencing the consequences of those choices.  God didn’t do this to you, you did this to yourself.”  He found comfort in assigning a reason.  My need for a specific reason has dwindled the more I understand who He is.  Read more about that in my post God and Tragedy. 

5.     I remember making the statement, “I wouldn’t change anything in my past because it made me the man I am today.”  I cringe when I think of saying that now.  First of all there are still things about me today that doesn’t make God smile.  Now, God loves me with His perfect love and the same for you.  We are worthy and accepted and all that.  But my character isn’t perfect.  There’s pride in that statement I made, like I’m some sort of ideal because of how I lived.  I’m not.  I’m constantly being renewed and restored like Paul says in Colossians.  Secondly, many of the choices and decisions I made really hurt God.  How can I be, in any way, be proud of that?  How can any of us? 

We don’t need pain and tragedy to become the people God wants us to be.  Now most of us, if not all, experience tragedy on our journey and God uses it to shape and mold us (develop our character) as long as we choose to follow Him.  But just because that’s the way it ends up being most often doesn’t mean we should accept that’s the way it has to be. 

Now, for clarities sake, I know Jesus says we will experience trouble and trials.  But I believe He is referring to persecution for His name and not the type of suffering I’m referring to in this post. 

Blessings,

Jesse and Kara Birkey

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